May 2009
321 posts
“I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the...”
– Steven Wright
“When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,...”
– Steven Wright
Writer's delight at The Wire reaction →
“My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment...”
– Steven Wright
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book...”
– Steven Wright
“I invented the cordless extension cord.”
– Steven Wright
“I installed a skylight in my apartment…. The people who live above me are...”
– Steven Wright
“My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood...”
– Steven Wright
“Sometimes I… No, I don’t.”
– Steven Wright
“I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got...”
– Steven Wright
“I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and...”
– Steven Wright
“I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the...”
– Steven Wright
“Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in Seattle,...”
– Steven Wright
“Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone…when I came back the entire...”
– Steven Wright
“Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I...”
– Steven Wright
“I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking”, but I don’t have...”
– Steven Wright
“How young can you die of old age?”
– Steven Wright
“I filled out an application that said, “In Case Of Emergency...”
– Steven Wright
“Women… can’t live with ‘em… can’t shoot ‘em.”
– Steven Wright
“One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody’s satellite...”
– Steven Wright
“I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can...”
– Steven Wright
“Well, you know when you’re rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far...”
– Steven Wright
“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done, so now I just...”
– Steven Wright
“I have a friend named Dennis. Both of his parents were midgets, but he...”
– Steven Wright
“One night I came home very late. It was the next night.”
– Steven Wright
“I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said,...”
– Steven Wright
“My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, …”
– Steven Wright
“Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote...”
– Steven Wright
“I was once arrested for walking in someone else’s sleep.”
– Steven Wright
“(Later:) I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in...”
– Steven Wright
“I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car...”
– Steven Wright
“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”
– Steven Wright
“I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that...”
– Steven Wright
“I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards....”
– Steven Wright
“I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went...”
– Steven Wright
“I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back… boy, were they...”
– Steven Wright
“I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious...”
– Steven Wright
“I got up one morning and couldn’t find my socks, so I called Information....”
– Steven Wright
“Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on...”
– Steven Wright
“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”
– Steven Wright
“All the plants in my house are dead — I shot them last night. I was...”
– Steven Wright
“It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.”
– Steven Wright
“Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite...”
– Steven Wright
“I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building… I changed my...”
– Steven Wright
“It’s a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they’d...”
– Steven Wright
“I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2” taller.”
– Steven Wright
“Not a second of your life will you ever get back. Make every day count, or...”
– Henry Rollins
“I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one… it wasn’t...”
– Steven Wright
“I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was...”
– Steven Wright
“[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I...”
– Steven Wright